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In Bio war ich in der Schule schon schlecht

Posted On Juli 25, 2007
Juli 25, 2007

 Uhr

Als ich gestern über meine Hello Kitty Uhr schrieb, schweiften meine Gedanken ein wenig ab. Und irgendwie landete ich beim Thema biologische Uhr. *Ich weiss meine Gedankengänge sind manchmal wirr*

Um es gleich vorwegzunehmen, ich bin der Meinung bei meiner biologischen Uhr ist die Batterie leer. Oder sie ging von Anfang an nicht. Ich weiss es nicht. Manchmal frage ich mich, ob es sie überhaupt gibt?

Doch es scheint sie ja zu geben, wenn so viele Frauen sie spüren/hören. Vielleicht höre ich auch einfach nur schlecht?  Schwer zu sagen, denn bei mir tut sich nichts.
Ich bin nun 32 Jahre – fast 33 Jahre. Die einzigen Dinge die mir durch den Kopf gehen, sind die kleinen Falten die ich langsam entdecke und meine nicht wirklich vorhandene Karriere. Die Tatsache, dass ich versuche jede Minute meines Lebens zu geniessen *was oft nicht leicht ist* und versuche diese Momente mit den Personen zu teilen, die ich gern habe und liebe.

Nur dieser typische Nestbauinstinkt, scheint sich bei mir nicht einzustellen. Ich verspüre nicht das unbändige Verlangen ein Kind zu haben. Und ich habe nicht das Bedürfnis zu heiraten.

Manchmal frage ich mich, ob bei mir etwas nicht stimmt. Und dann stelle ich mir vor, wie mein Leben wäre, wenn die Uhr rechtzeitig geklingelt hätte. Vielleicht bin ich zu egoistisch, aber diese Vorstellung, an etwas so stark gebunden zu sein, wie an ein Kind, finde ich merkwürdig. Versteht mich nicht falsch. Ich bin bei Leibe kein Kinderhasser *war ja früher sogar Erzieherin*, doch ich weiss wirklich nicht ob das was für mich ist!?
Ich stelle es mir schön vor mit einer kleinen Tochter shoppen zu  gehen und chice Kleidchen zu kaufen,  nachmittags Cupcakes zu backen und heissen Kakao zu trinken. Doch  selbst ich weiss, dass dies nicht die Regel ist.

Ich habe einige Freundinnen, die bereits vor 10 Jahren zu mir sagten, sie möchten Kinder, am liebsten ganz viele. Wenn ich daran denke, an was ich mit 23 Jahren dachte….. nun ja zumindest nicht an Kinder. Doch damals sagte jeder zu mir: “Warte bis du 30 J. bist, dann fängt das automatisch an”. Ok, ich bin nun bereits über 30 J. und so langsam beginne ich mir selbst ein wenig Druck zu machen. Gedanklich meine ich. Ich warte förmlich darauf, dass sich ein “Gefühl” einstellt. Oder wie auch immer man diese doofe Uhr bemerkt.

Seit letzem Jahr überlege ich nun, ob ich diese Uhr nicht einfach austricksen sollte. Ungeachtet dessen, dass ich keinen Kinderwunsch habe, einfach eines zu bekommen. Aber was ist, wenn ich dann in 2 Jahren feststelle, dass das keine gute Idee war? Rückgängig machen kann ich es dann nicht mehr. Und vom Umtausch ist es auch ausgeschlossen.

Dann kommt so langsam hinzu, dass ich mich ein wenig sozial ausgegrenzt fühle. Viele meiner Freunde sind verheiratet und haben bereits Kinder. Sie gehen *verständlicher Weise* nicht mehr so viel aus. Und wenn, dann sind es Events, wo Kinder herumtoben können. Und nichts wo man bis 4 Uhr in der Früh Mojito trinkend auf den Tischen tanzt.
Ihre Gesprächsthemen verändern sich. Plötzlich wird von Milchschorf, Windelallergie, Schulen, Familientreffen berichtet. Und in gewissem Maße kann ich durch meine erste Ausbildung da auch noch mitreden, aber will ich das?  Und plötzlich reden meine Freundinnen, nicht mehr von Jan, Oliver, Tobi, sondern nur noch von “mein Mann”. Warum? Ich weiss doch, dass sie verheiratet sind? Sie lernen durch die Kindergärten und Schulen andere Freunde kennen. Freunde die auch Kinder haben. Freunde, mit denen ich nichts anzufangen weiss. Freunde die einen Kombi fahren, ihre Ferien im Center Park verbringen und Gardinen mögen.

Seht ihr was ich meine?! Mir fehlt da etwas!!!
Ich habe ein wenig Angst, dass sich meine Uhr vielleicht verspätet. *ich selbst bin ja auch immer unpünktlich* Aber was ist, wenn dem so ist? Was ist, wenn ich mit 39 Jahren – also in 6 Jahren – feststelle, dass ich Kinder will, Kombis, Gardinen, etc…? Dann ist es zu spät und ich werde mich mein Leben lang ärgern, dass mich meine Kinder nicht an Weihnachten besuchen kommen. Ich nichts zu Muttertag gebastelt bekomme und keine Eier an Ostern im Garten verstecken werde.

Muss man vielleicht einfach ins kalte Wasser springen? Und ist die Tatsache, dass ich überhaupt über all das nachdenke, vielleicht schon die Uhr? Vielleicht es in in meinem Fall ja eine Funkuhr und man hört sie erst gar nicht ticken…
Vielleicht gibt es ja doch noch Hoffnung für mich?!

…ok, der Post war jetzt sehr privat und gehört eigentlich auch nicht auf Steve. Genießt es, das kommt nicht oft vor hier. ;-)

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